As summer comes to an end, I thought I’d take some time and reflect on the year thus far and all that I’ve experienced. It’s been a year of firsts, of experiences I never thought I’d have, but more importantly a year of intense love and even more intense growth. I’ve loved twice this year, which is a lot considering I’ve never loved before. My first love was… upon reflection, something very toxic, yet full of potential. While the second was passionate, fiery, and quick to burn. I don’t claim to be an expert on love, but I do know that love is always different depending, not only on the person, but where you are in your own personal journey.
When I look back on my first love, I have very conflicted feelings, because I both regret and am thankful for that experience. I regret having agreed to dating at all, neither one of us was ready to be together, and I think we both knew that. I never expected to fall for him, and ironically, all of his friends and our acquaintances warned me about getting attached to him. I was coming out of a very long period of isolation and depression, and we both had a habit of circling our personal problems and saying that because we saw them in a different light we were dealing with them and were thusly living the best lives because of it, when really we were failing to tackle the issues head on and were very much blinded by our own pride. And I’m regretful of the love only because of the potential that was there. Had we both been in a better place, I think it could have been something special. I’m also very regretful, because despite the toxicity and the abuse I went through, he was a very close friend and the memories I have of our friendship are painful to look back on, because they were so positive, because we enjoyed each other's company so much. And I’ve missed his friendship more than anything throughout this summer. On the other hand, I am very thankful for the relationship, and in particular, the ending of it. I carried a lot of self-deprevation over the years from various experiences with friends in my life, and generally held a sense of worthlessness when it came to my self, but my inability to stand in my own self was something I was circling, and seeing, but not tackling. And the loss of that first love, toxic though it was, made me realize I needed to change. And man, did it ever usher in a period of personal change and growth.
I feel very embarrassed when I think back to the Michael of the last few years, and most importantly, of the past winter and spring. I was so weak, so much so that I let myself be abused. Somewhere in the summer, things changed. I joined a gym, started talking to someone, working on myself, and not just circling my problems and claiming I was living my best life. I was tackling them head on, and they were ugly, deep, character flaws resulting from years of no self worth or confidence. As the summer progressed, who I was changed, shifted. I became more comfortable in myself, more confident, so much so, that others started noticing and commenting. A little aside here – I’ve discovered that you can learn a lot about your own mental growth and progress from others in your life, there were days when I felt like I had not made any progress, but those days my friends would take a second, size me up, and out of nowhere tell me how different I seemed, how much more powerful, in control, and developed. And I think that’s also why I carry so much regret from my first experience with love, because the person that I was during that experience, was someone I do not recognize anymore. And who I am now, I wish I could share in friendship with that person I was once so close with.
My second love eclipsed the first in passion. It was fiery, intense, secretive, and burned bright from the beginning. I wasn't ashamed of him, the complete opposite, but I was cautious, and wanted to keep him to myself for a while before I introduced him to everyone else. But it was... intense. And I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I was different. I was no longer the meek, weak person I had been for years, I let go of my pain, and my hurt, accepted it, forgiven it, and let it go. Someone once told me that, when it comes to past hurt and scars, you have to say, “Fuck it and move on.” And they couldn’t have been more wrong. In no way does saying, “Fuck it and move on” address the hurt and the lasting stains it has had on your character. It pretends to get over things without recognizing how damaging and conditioning trauma can be. If anything, the saying should be, “Work on it, accept it, forgive it, and move on.”
While the second love was full of passion, and desire, it ultimately burned too bight, and too fast. I had to snuff it out. Not because the passion burnt me, but because I knew it wasn’t the love I wanted to feel. For me, love and friendship are closely intertwined, and I’m looking for a love that feels like a deep friendship, an understanding, something steady and mutually supportive. I don’t want to know love as passion alone. Love is so much deeper than that. And love without those deep roots of friendship is, I believe, doomed to fail. I’ve also learned that the strong love is one that is slow to gather. I don’t love easily or often, it takes months to years to build up in me, even the love of friendship. When I forced it, it became toxic; and when it was lustful, it burned too brightly.
Whatever happens next, I will take slowly. I’ve taken myself out of the world of dating for a time to work on myself longer. To continue working out, to continue developing this new sense of confidence and understanding of who I am and how strong I am. To foster my friendships with those who have shown me what friendship truly is. To return to school and find myself a career (one that makes money, haha). To continue writing (I have a feeling about As the Sea Is Cold, y’all). I still have my days where my past sneaks up and threatens to scar me again, but I’m slowly moving away from that. And while I do deeply miss the friendship of my first love, I’m not sure he knows who I am anymore. Something I’ve expressed to people in both of our lives, who have all agreed. I’m not one to shut doors. I’ve had doors shut on me, many times before, but the possibilities of the future are endless and boundless. As I continue to change and develop and become more firm in who I am (and firm in my abdomen) I find myself looking fondly to the future and whatever may come. I’m ready to reconnect with the universe. I’m ready for the world to meet this new Michael, and man, am I excited about him.
